If you find the info useful (or not), please share your experiences in the comments below. Good luck, test-takers!

Today has seen yet another milestone in my California adventure – namely my behind the wheel driving test.

As I have been fortunate enough to drive alone while I practice (due to my holding a UK licence), I have had plenty of opportunity to get out there on the mean streets of Fullerton. Also, a car and freedom allowed me to unashamedly stake out and stalk the DMV examiners over the past couple of weeks. I will do anything to get an edge and know no shame. In fact I became so familiar with the Fullerton DMV test route I actually knew it better than my examiner on the test day.

I’ll admit I was nervous about taking the test – I had the test mentality that one develops while learning to drive in the UK (i.e. it’s very thorough). However, due to my stalking and practice practice practice, I got through it in one piece and with only two minor errors (one of which I feel was NOT an error – clearly I was being more observant than my examiner).

Anyhoo, to reassure any Californians doing the Fullerton DMV test, let me tell you it is actually easy compared to the UK. I hear they’ve made it ‘tough’ recently and everyone’s whining about how hard it is. Well, sorry to upset you but it’s not. It was over in about 15 minutes and involved driving around mostly quiet residential streets. I had to reverse along the curb a bit, which was the extent of anything that could be remotely described as ‘difficult’.

In the UK your test would be at least twice as long and you have a number of maneuvers to undertake, which may include: parallel parking, reversing around a corner, change in direction (using forward and reverse gears), and emergency stop (no skidding). Also, each test centre has a variety of test routes, not just the one like I experienced at the DMV in Fullerton. You see, if you have only one test route, sly scamps like me easily work it out and ace the test. Duh.

So, here it is for all you wannabe drivers. Fullerton DMV test route:

• Leave DMV by turning right on to Valencia
• Cross over Euclid, continue on Valencia
• Left on to Basque
• Left on to Ash (this is where I had to pull-over and reverse along the curb. Alternatively it may be on Oak)
• Right on to Lee
• Right on to Oak
• Right on to Basque
• Left on to West
• Over Eadington
• Left on to Pacific
• Left on to Oak
• Over Eadington
• Right on to Basque
• Over Orangethorpe
• Right on to Woodcrest
• Right on to Eadington
• Right on to Orangethorpe (this is where I had to perform a lane change)
• Left on to Euclid
• Right on to Valencia
• Left into DMV

There you go, piece of cake. For those of you concerned that it is harder to pass at Fullerton DMV than other offices, I will say that if you can drive and have practiced until you are sick of driving around those streets, then you will pass. It may well be harder, but it’s still a lot easier than other countries.

Believe me, a lot of stupid people drive in the UK and they passed the ‘tough’ test. If they can do it, you can pass California’s. Anyway, if you can’t pass at Fullerton or another California DMV, you shouldn’t be driving, right?

Without this, I can’t open a bank account, start my business or even get my learner’s driving permit. Yep, it would seem that this one piece of bureaucracy finds its way into all aspects of life and without one you’re stuffed. It’s the one thing that connects all aspects of an American’s existence in this country. You use it to register for education, health, a cell phone, store card or car finance to name a few.

So are Americans free individuals or just numbers?

It did, however, contain full instructions in the form of two URIs for their website where all the relevant information could be found. Yes, it would seem the US immigration service have gone all ‘paperlight’ and high tech. Maybe they’re taking liberties by assuming everyone has Internet access but I’m ok – you may have guessed I have such facilities.

I will say it is a shame they haven’t progressed beyond courier font on their letters but who am I to judge (Note to immigration officers: I’m not judging. Courier is so… so… 80s. Nice retro. I’m lovin’ it. Honest).

So, to business: what do I need to do now? It seems straight forward, I am happy to report. I have to gather up certain documents and let the embassy know when I have all my ducks in a row. They will then give me a date to attend for interview. I also will have to schedule a medical examination for a full “bend over Mr Hobley” going over. That should be fun – just warm your hands first, doc.

To distract me from thoughts of having my nether parts prodded, I’ve been assessing the documents I need. Yes, documents are far more my cup of tea and less intimate.

There’s a nice long list but I won’t need to get them all given that I’m neither an axe murderer, ex-army, divorcee or in need of translations. So, here it is, my document hit-list:

• Birth certificate
• Passport
• Marriage certificate
• Affidavit of Support
• Police certificate
• Photographs

I have my original birth certificate but as it’s a bit _ahem_ old. I’ve already ordered a couple of new copies to be on the safe side. If you Google ‘birth certificates’ you will get a lot of companies offering to obtain them for you. That’s nice of them! How much? Ooo £20 – £30 to you, guv’nor.

Er, well can’t I just go to the official government website and order one for £10 (or £7 if I know the GRO number)? Yes. Yes you can. How stupid do these third party ‘services’ think we are?

Anyway, that’s all sorted. Next up: passport. Sorted, of course. I get about a bit. Marriage certificate is also another homer because marriage is the whole reason I’m going to (hopefully) get my visa.

The affidavit of support is going to be a bit harder, but (un)fortunately not for me. This is something that Jennifer is going to have to work on. She needs to cover two main areas with this. 1. Prove we have the means to support me so that I don’t become a ‘public charge’. Believe me, I want this too as I don’t fancy pan-handling in the street or sleeping on park benches. 2. Jennifer also needs to show she has ‘domicile’ in the US. This means that she has ties to the country, and this is proved by showing possession of bank accounts, bills, housing and such like. We’re lucky as we’re able to meet both financial and domicile requirements but there’s going to be some leg work on Jennifer’s part.

The police certificate isn’t the usual CRB that we obtain here in the UK to prove we’re not a danger to small children when getting jobs. No, it’s actually a sort of pat on the head from ACPO, which is rather odd given that ACPO is actually a strategic body rather than the ‘police’ per se. Again, I ain’t complaining, and will shortly be sending off my £35 for the privilege of getting a letter from them stating that I am a good, fine upstanding member of society… or at least that I’ve never been caught doing anything ‘naughty’. (Note to immigration officers and police: I’ve never done anything wrong. Ever. Honest.).

That just leaves the photographs. Nip down to Tesco’s or the train station for a set of four and we’re done. Except no, they want American sized photographs. Sigh. Where does one get such photographs done in Durham? I’m sure that a photographer will relieve me of cash for the honour. However, I have a cunning plan. As I am soon heading to Americaland for a wedding, I shall be able to get some taken there for a hopefully reasonable sum of cash.

And that, folks, is that.

Apart from the anal probe.