It’s amazing how fragile our control over the earth is. It just takes once teensy-weensy (massive) volcano to ground half of Europe and strand millions of people away from their homes. Sleeping in an airport lounge for best part of a week is not my idea of fun.
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This week we were invited to go to The Magic Castle in Hollywood. Originally I thought it was something like Chuck E Cheese’s, but alas not. It bills itself as the world’s most famous club for magicians and magic enthusiasts and is an “exclusive” members’ only club. However, on the Saturday night when we visited it seemed it was strictly limited to half the population of L.A.
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I have been settling in nicely to my new life and have just about got all the things I need to feel at home – SSN, bank accounts, credit card, store card and driver’s license.
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Like all good foreigners to the USA, in the past I’ve fallen in to that trap of lazily stereotyping the good ol’ Land of the Free.
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Big day, today. Teemu Selanne scored his 600th career NHL goal. Oh, and the US congress passed a healthcare reform bill.
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I landed back in California last week after my first visit to the Mother Country since moving here.
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So, on my travels back to the Old Country, I have the services of a pay as you go USB mobile modem to keep me connected with the world. This post is coming via it, as it happens.

Am I happy with it? Nope. Why not?

1. It keeps crashing my MacBook. This happens, it first seemed, randomly. However, I think I have managed to work out that it happens when the machine has been asleep, or if the dongle was plugged in AFTER start up. Fingers crossed that if I plug in the dongle and then turn on the machine, then ensure it does NOT go to sleep I can use it safely-ish. That’s a bit of a nuisance to say the least.

2. Three or “3″ mobile network sucks. When I am busy surfing away it stops working and disconnects me at random. Also, often while I am connected web pages won’t load. Then it may disconnect me again for a laugh.

My main mistake is that I went with 3 who are a solely 3G network (clue’s in the name, see). This means that if there is not a 3 signal, they don’t have a 2G network to fall back on to at least provide some connectivity, even if it is somewhat slow.

Looks like on my next trip out I will be investing in a short-term contract Orange USB dongle.

We’ll come back to that in a minute.

Firstly, I’m happy to report that I have a driver license of sorts. Having not been able to get one until my social security number arrived, I was finally able to make an appointment at the DMV for this past week.

I headed down to Fullerton DMV as was scheduled. Fresh in my mind were horror stories of long queues and surly staff. Sure, it looked a bit chaotic in there but all of the staff I dealt with seemed friendly (except one in the theory test room who was a bit of a control freak).

The really great news was that because I hold a full UK licence, after my 36 questions they were able to issue me with a temporary license that allows me to drive unaccompanied. Sure, I still have to take a behind-the-wheel driving test but can do so at my relative leisure. The important thing is I can nip to the shops or go anywhere I fancy without having Jennifer or anyone else in the passenger seat ‘teaching me’. This brings me nicely to the main topic of this post.

Ok, I’d better rephrase the title of this post. Americans CAN drive stick in that those that do can get from A to B in one piece (mostly). However, from what I’ve seen, they can’t drive stick properly. It is a bit crazy here. Most cars in Southern California have automatic transmission with a plucky few people choosing manual, or stick shifts. This is the reverse in the UK, where the majority of cars are manual. Automatics are reserved mostly for old dears and bloated business execs in their BMWs and Mercs.

The main point here, though, is that in the UK you cannot drive a manual car unless you have been trained and tested in one. In the USA, it seems, you can learn and pass your driving test in an automatic, head down to a dealer and buy a stick shift. You can then drive it off the forecourt with no idea whatsoever how to drive it. Excuse me, but: WTF?!

Now, I’m guessing most people wouldn’t do that. No, they’d probably get someone knowledgeable to show them how to do it, maybe in a parking lot or similar. The trouble is, the people showing them probably haven’t been formally trained in driving stick either. No, they just picked it up or were shown by someone else equally as untrained.

So, what does this mean? It means that people in the USA trained in an automatic will learn how to drive a manual car by trial and error. They will definitely pick up bad habits; do stuff wrong and end up with a driving style that ‘works for them’. However, you will also probably hear them talk of the fear of a hill start without rolling backwards. Why? Because they’ve never been shown how easy it is to do properly. Rolling back is not inevitable. For the record, you will fail your UK driving test if you roll backwards on a hill start. See, it’s actually unacceptable to do – it’s dangerous! As is, in fact, driving a car you haven’t been trained to drive! Duh!

I therefore offer my humble advice to those wishing to drive stick.

1. The ‘emergency brake’ is no such thing. Dunno what sort of an emergency you’d plan on using it, but there are better ways to stop a car if your main brakes fail – like using the gears and engine braking.
2. Get used to calling it the ‘handbrake’. It’s your best friend when driving stick. You are supposed to use it in conjunction with the clutch, gears and gas pedal.
3. If the car is moving, it should be in a gear. Which one? The right one for the speed you are travelling. You are NEVER supposed to have it in neutral and the car to be coasting – you won’t have full control and also won’t be able to utilise engine braking.
4. If the car is stationary for more than a few seconds, the handbrake should be on. This will stop the car moving on a hill (ahh! On a hill, see?) or uneven surface.
5. When you are at a stop light on a hill with your handbrake on and wish to pull away:
1. Depress the clutch pedal
2. Engage first gear
3. Grasp the handbrake handle and depress the release button but keep it held up
4. Simultaneously slowly lift the clutch while applying some gas
5. When you feel the clutch ‘bite’ and the car slightly kick as the gear is engaged, keep applying gas and lifting clutch while also releasing the handbrake
6. You will start to move, and if done properly you will NOT ROLL BACKWARDS!

Sure, it’s an art but with time is a piece of cake and second nature. I’m not saying that us Brits are better at this – in fact a lot of British drivers who should know better don’t use their handbrake properly. They ride the clutch pedal and coast in neutral. Tut tut.

However, Americans who drive stick without formal training will have no idea how to do it properly unless they’ve been shown.

Bless ‘em.

Having been here for two months and still no sign of my social security number (SSN), action was needed.

When I originally applied for my visa, I had ticked a box requesting a number be automatically assigned to me and sent to my address. It was said to take around three weeks, but we figured as the SSN people would only have known about it after they had received the paperwork from the immigration people, it would be three weeks from then. The immigration service got my paperwork on July 23. So, three weeks from then took us to the middle of August.

Having heard nothing from them by then, I had tried calling the SS no-help line a few weeks back to find out how my application was coming along. It took me about 15 minutes to navigate the automated telephone system, during which time I was asked on a number of occasions to enter my social security number. Yes, quite.

Eventually I had spoken to a grumpy woman who told me she didn’t have any information and that I was to call the local office that would be handling my case. I was given a number to call. I was also advised that it was taking about six weeks for numbers to be allocated to new immigrants.

As we were still within that time frame, I decided more patience was in order. I put my faith in the system and sat back to wait….

… until I could wait no more. I tried calling the number I had been given only to find it not to be the SS office. So, last Monday we went down to the local social security office and took a ticket and waited. Mercifully it wasn’t a long wait, but those places are pretty grim. Everyone who works there seems a miserable bugger. Must be in the person spec for the jobs.

Anyway, when we finally spoke to someone and explained the situation, I soon was fuming. When I say fuming, in fact I was livid. Why? Because my application was not being processed. Oh, it had been started but the person doing it decided to not finish it. WTF?! Man, I was shaking with rage.

So, the lady asked me to fill out an application form and she did the necessary on the computer. I had waited over two months to get absolutely nowhere. I haven’t been able to get a driver’s license, start my business or get a store card or life insurance. All because some halfwit didn’t do their job properly.

I expect this sort of thing in the UK, but it seems I can’t escape it the other side of the Pond either.

So, still waiting for the ol’ social security number. Bored with the wait, we went to see if I could get a bank account.
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