So, still waiting for the ol’ social security number. Bored with the wait, we went to see if I could get a bank account.

As it turns out I could, as long I provided other ID. We therefore thought we’d try WaMu – or Chase as it is becoming. We arrived on a Saturday morning and I was helped by a nice young man who could open an account for me.

He asked me what I was after and I told him I just wanted to get going with a checking (UK: current) account. He advised me about the great free checking account they had that would give me internet banking and all the usual stuff you’d expect. He went to great lengths telling me how free it was. Great, I thought, as I don’t like paying for banking (it’s my money, after all).

He also told me about the savings accounts. I said I’d take one of those too (so I can save tax etc). The savings account only took $5 to open, so we duly did all the paperwork for both accounts and I was sent on my way. When I got home I read the information pack I’d been given and was amazed to find that the savings account had a monthly fee of $5 if there was less than $300 in it! WTF!? He didn’t tell me about THAT.

“Aha!” I hear you cry, “you should have asked about charges, fool. It’s up to you to ask the right questions”. In response to that, I say:

1. He went to great lengths telling me how FREE the checking account was. Why didn’t he go to equal effort telling me how UN-FREE the savings account was? Hmm?
2. I would have asked if there was a fee for the savings account IF I HAD EVER HEARD OF A SAVINGS ACCOUNT WITH A MONTHLY FEE.
3. With my initial $5 deposit, after the first month my balance would have been $0 and after another, -$5. This is clearly bonkers and not very savings-ey. It penalises people with a small amount of savings and is surely unfair.
4. IF I KNEW IT CHARGED I WOULDN’T HAVE OPENED IT. IT’S ANTI-SAVINGS ACCOUNT!

So, I have put some money in it to take it over $300 but will expect to get charged for one month of fees. Bastards. I shall be closing the account… but not until after 90 days because the bastards sting you for $25 for closing an account fewer than 90 days old. Double bastards.

At least I read the small print about that.