On Friday a rather disappointing, small window-type envelope plopped through the letterbox. It was from the Immigrant Visa Branch at the US embassy in London.

I say “disappointing” because it was my eagerly awaited next-steps instructions for obtaining my visa. I was expecting an application pack but it contained just one sheet of paper. Pah.

It did, however, contain full instructions in the form of two URIs for their website where all the relevant information could be found. Yes, it would seem the US immigration service have gone all ‘paperlight’ and high tech. Maybe they’re taking liberties by assuming everyone has Internet access but I’m ok – you may have guessed I have such facilities.

I will say it is a shame they haven’t progressed beyond courier font on their letters but who am I to judge (Note to immigration officers: I’m not judging. Courier is so… so… 80s. Nice retro. I’m lovin’ it. Honest).

So, to business: what do I need to do now? It seems straight forward, I am happy to report. I have to gather up certain documents and let the embassy know when I have all my ducks in a row. They will then give me a date to attend for interview. I also will have to schedule a medical examination for a full “bend over Mr Hobley” going over. That should be fun – just warm your hands first, doc.

To distract me from thoughts of having my nether parts prodded, I’ve been assessing the documents I need. Yes, documents are far more my cup of tea and less intimate.

There’s a nice long list but I won’t need to get them all given that I’m neither an axe murderer, ex-army, divorcee or in need of translations. So, here it is, my document hit-list:

• Birth certificate
• Passport
• Marriage certificate
• Affidavit of Support
• Police certificate
• Photographs

I have my original birth certificate but as it’s a bit _ahem_ old. I’ve already ordered a couple of new copies to be on the safe side. If you Google ‘birth certificates’ you will get a lot of companies offering to obtain them for you. That’s nice of them! How much? Ooo £20 – £30 to you, guv’nor.

Er, well can’t I just go to the official government website and order one for £10 (or £7 if I know the GRO number)? Yes. Yes you can. How stupid do these third party ‘services’ think we are?

Anyway, that’s all sorted. Next up: passport. Sorted, of course. I get about a bit. Marriage certificate is also another homer because marriage is the whole reason I’m going to (hopefully) get my visa.

The affidavit of support is going to be a bit harder, but (un)fortunately not for me. This is something that Jennifer is going to have to work on. She needs to cover two main areas with this. 1. Prove we have the means to support me so that I don’t become a ‘public charge’. Believe me, I want this too as I don’t fancy pan-handling in the street or sleeping on park benches. 2. Jennifer also needs to show she has ‘domicile’ in the US. This means that she has ties to the country, and this is proved by showing possession of bank accounts, bills, housing and such like. We’re lucky as we’re able to meet both financial and domicile requirements but there’s going to be some leg work on Jennifer’s part.

The police certificate isn’t the usual CRB that we obtain here in the UK to prove we’re not a danger to small children when getting jobs. No, it’s actually a sort of pat on the head from ACPO, which is rather odd given that ACPO is actually a strategic body rather than the ‘police’ per se. Again, I ain’t complaining, and will shortly be sending off my £35 for the privilege of getting a letter from them stating that I am a good, fine upstanding member of society… or at least that I’ve never been caught doing anything ‘naughty’. (Note to immigration officers and police: I’ve never done anything wrong. Ever. Honest.).

That just leaves the photographs. Nip down to Tesco’s or the train station for a set of four and we’re done. Except no, they want American sized photographs. Sigh. Where does one get such photographs done in Durham? I’m sure that a photographer will relieve me of cash for the honour. However, I have a cunning plan. As I am soon heading to Americaland for a wedding, I shall be able to get some taken there for a hopefully reasonable sum of cash.

And that, folks, is that.

Apart from the anal probe.