We all have things that annoy us to a certain extent. I am no exception, as anyone who knows me will testify. Some may say I get annoyed in order to moan about whatever it is that’s causing me grief. To those people I say: I am an Englishman. As such it is my birthright to moan; this is a fact you need to accept.

Now that we have that cleared up, indulge me while I get annoyed about something that happens at work. At the time of writing I only have 23 working days at this particular job, and when I depart the following annoyance won’t be missed in the slightest.

Those who work in shared or open-plan offices may experience this too: A phone on an empty desk will start ringing.

When that happens you have two options; 1. let it ring until the person calling gets bored and buggers off; or 2. helpfully answer it.

I favour #1. Firstly, I do not wish to speak to whoever is calling (it’s not for me, right?), and secondly I probably know nothing of the subject of which they are enquiring.

You would hope that after six or so rings with no answer the caller would get the message and hang up. Unfortunately a large number of such callers will just ring and ring… and ring… and ring.

On these occasions I may be driven to answering the damn call in order to shut it up. This is where I get majorly pissed. Let’s pretend that Fred Flintstone’s phone is ringing and after several noisy persistent minutes I decide to answer it. The conversation may go something like this:

Me: Good afternoon, Fred Flintstone’s phone. May I help you?
Caller: Oh… er, hello. Is Fred there?
Me: No, he’s just nipped out for a bit. May I take a message?
Caller: No, I’ll call back later.
Me: Ok, bye.

That is so annoying. Fred was clearly not there even before I answered the call. One day I would therefore love to answer thus:

Me: Good afternoon, Fred Flintstone’s phone. May I help you?
Caller: Oh… er, hello. Is Fred there?
Me: Yes, of course he is. He’s been sitting here for the past five minutes while you rang and rang. He’s been staring at the telephone, waiting for me to answer it for him as he can’t be bothered to lift the receiver. Perhaps he knew it was you calling and couldn’t face the prospect of yet another banal conversation.
Caller: …?
Me: Of course he’s not here you numb-nuts. Try and understand that if someone doesn’t pick up after three or four rings, the chances are they’re not there. Goodbye.